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10.05.02 - 12:59 a.m. i do think that we seek out music that will meake us feel more or less how we feel right now and that maybe, thats the key to our next step. That there is a reason that all i feel like listening to is sigur ros and the new beck album. The first day of fall, back when i had a job, all i wanted to listen to was nick drake and elliott smith bc they are the perfect sweaters and falling leaves duo. And i did too. I listenend all day to their summer turning fall voices and it kept me from 9-5, curls around my face and a downtown smile. And now in the hurricane of my current predicament, i feel sigur ros...the obscurity and richness of whats in their voices. Its a sadness but also something beautiful that sits on a shelf in a house that i have yet to visit. I feel like i know what brad was talking about when she visited those cliffs in scotland...i cant remember now exactly, but something about her words made me think about her there, and her hair. Cold, i pictured, not the kind that has you tucking your head and walking quickly but the kind you put your arms out too and the kind that quits just when youre ready to close up so that you can stand like that with your arms outstrectched for a good long while. I feel like that now. I feel that salty breeze around me now. At least the girl on the inside feels like that. Not at the edge even and not in the middle but at a nowhere place, at a non-place where a wind blows my hair in my face and i cant tell where to go next. I used to know what i wanted to do. Now i feel as if i am digging a hole and then jumping into it; staring around me at black earth i should have never seen. I feel that somewhere people are waiting for me but in the meantime i am digging away at a hole that i will one day abandon and never return to. I keep expecting magic. I open my door and peek my head out every morning. I wait for something to happen to me. I am decidedly anti-active. Pro-activity seems self congragulatory and instead i wait for the seas of fate to toss me on another wave. I dont know yet, if this is the right thing to do. I have very pro-active people in my life whom i strive to be like, but my path is non existant and impossible to follow. In the meantime i try to maintain the velvet hue that people love about me and i hope that somewhere that will be enough, and even more than enough, i hope that velvet hue will thank me for my trust in it. I hope that fate will toss me somewhere more fantastic than i could have ever imagined, better than somewhere that i could have constructed for myself. In the meantime i look for any means of employment. I take interviews for questionable assignments. I sigh and i go to sleep; i wrap myself up and i wait. � 
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