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09.12.02 - 9:58 p.m. my computer is fast... and black, like i like my women....truly though, i find myself petting it and i think that i might never leave the house. In the meantime...finally got my own password at work and am now TRULY in the hands of the government, theres no turing back now...no more looking at porn on the internet. I left work sick today and chanted "I will not throw up before i get to the car, i will not throw up before i get to the car..." i didnt think about what i would do once i got to the car, but i ended up being okay. Came home, washed medicare off in a cold shower, threw up, drank some water, brushed my teeth and fell into one of those fever induced sleeps where you wake up confident that you almost died in your dream and youre late for work. Today i fashioned a "Getting My Life in Order" list at work which sufficiently passed the first two hours...i love love love getting paid for self improvement, i feel simultaneously sneaky and personally successful. It was only a page long which i think stands me in high stead for a 23 year old graduate. I did leave off exercising and locating a meaningful sexual relationship...but it seems if i find the second i wont need the first so i tabled that concern for another day. And from the peanut gallery. Today, Role Playing Adam from work informed me that he would like to have sex with me, and that he's also really into S&M. The first confession was worrisome enough, but tailed with the whips and chains was a little overwhelming. I could only keep saying, "really, really, huh..." and things of this nature. Role Playing Adam was my project at work. Thrown into an office full of middleaged disenchanted women, he was girdle-shy and prone to long sessions of self involved focusless staring. I started talking to him about these games and found out that he plays a priest as well as a vampire, depending on what century and that his magic power is invisibility. I told him he outta use that in the office and he assured me, quite seriously, that he does. "Oh, okay," i said. We eat lunch together...he always eats some variation of hamburger helper which he consistently brings in the same Brady Bunch style old-school tupperware. I find this endearing, in the same way i find all routine oriented men endearing. Mostly i talk to him about his games and he opens up more and more and then, one day, he opened up all the way and has been mostly enjoyable since then. He holds open all the doors and doesnt mind that i pee thirty times a day and he has to let me back through security. i am not interested romantically and i was sure he wasnt either, it was a lovely sibling type relationship that involved a lot of sunshine walks and several halved turkey sandwhiches. and then, the bomb... Minding my own business swiping jelly from my skirt to my mouth to my skirt and so on. "Adam, if you had to sleep with someone in the office, who would it be?" Innocent, truly, i was eating jelly off my skirt for chrissakes... "Do you count?" A quiet priest type tone and i wanted to take it back immedaitely...the rest of the conversation was lost as i backpedaled my way out. But, it had been said and now it floats around our head and now i have to do that thing where you have to be aloof because the ball is in your court...and i hate the ball and i hate aloofness and i hate that it was said at all but i guess i asked for it. Must work on the line between flirting and friendliness...apparantly it is invisible � 
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