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06.01.02 - 1:05 p.m. i forget how much i need my space. The space in the house. I need all the air in it to myself. sometimes. Last night, two boys im not sure of. One in my bed and me against the wall, waiting to sleep and trying to say "look, this isnt going to happen," with closed eyes and closed body. Why, i didnt just tell him, i dont know, and how it got that way, im not sure. And this morning, me in torn jeans and pancake batter, arms slid around my waist and lips im not used to; boys hungry mouths arguing over the last of the eggs and bacon. I did what made sense, and drew a circle around myself with flour and butter and hot oil. I remained distant and focused and willed away hours that should have ended last night. And now, locked doors again, the last of them gone in two hugs and expensive cologne. Im wanting this whole day to myself, all the air in this house and in this yard, for my lungs. My bed is crooked and wrong in the way it is when you dont sleep by yourself. Sheets untucked and diagonal, one side of the comforter pressed up against the screened window, drawing heavy bees to hover and bump against it. I'll wash them today and flip my mattress. All the things that arent said. And the hours spent not saying them. And then tim. Wathcing televison with one boy in a hat and abercrombie. Sharing a too small blanket. The doorbell, and his yell, and katphish's eager heavy paws up the stairs. I let it be awkward. Let kevin scramble for the light and i gave a slow introduction to each. Kevin this is tim. Tim, Kevin. Some shaking of hands and then two sets of knuckles and palms shoved into back pockets and eyes on me to make it ok, the reason for tim's sudden appearance shimmering and blue around us. "I just came to see whats up." Which is really all you can say to something like this, bless his heart. He receeded long before he left and the nothingness that was left settled in around me and between all of us. � 
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