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04.26.02 - 10:28 a.m. well, yeah, its scary. and sad. and exciting sometimes and threatening other times. Its hard to be confident and hard to stay focused. I dont know if its the right idea. What i do know is that there are a lot of places to go to. There are a lot of places To Be. I dont think i am running away. After all, i ran back to six months ago. I couldnt stand to be away from the city. I thought about this place fondly, always. And part of me would love love love to stay. To spend the summer cooking dinner and smoking cigarettes with brad and lainy. To go shopping at tjmaxx for platform sandels and sleeveless shirts with johnathan. To marathon watch all of the godfathers when its just too damn hot here to do anything else. I love my apartment, the cool height of it, my red room, the rodent of unusual size in my closet, the purple kitchen, the kawsaki lime bathroom, the trees outside, the hardwood inside. I love my porch and the broken cement planters, i love our neighbors dog, i love all of this in the same way i loved the green strectch of bsc for four years. Passionately and everyday aware of how lucky i am. And thats why i have to leave. These things in no particular order: 1. Im afraid that im staying in birmingham because its comfortable 2. Im afraind that im staying in birmingham because of the people here that i love that wont be here forever 3. im afraid of people saying "what are you doing here still?" I feel that its necessary to prove to someone that i CAN go somewhere else. 4. I dont want to be the last one to leave the party. 5. I dont want to be 30 and realize ive lived in the same city since i was 18 without trying anything else. 6. Im so so so looking forward to spending everyday time with becc, who truly is my soulmate. 7. I already miss my friends painfully. lainy and johnathan and brad and jennifer. 8. I already miss the familiarity of streets and faces and storefronts and smells and a tree that leans a certain way. 9. Im afraid if i leave i will permanately say goodbye to bsc which was the first time i was really happy. 10. Im afraid if i dont leave i will never say goodbye to bsc which was the first place i was really happy 11. Im afraid if i stay i might move home. 12. im afraid if i stay i might wake up one day and realize i dont have anyone and never gave anything else a shot. 13. I want to take myself out of my comfort zone 14. There are some things i just cant look at everyday anymore. Heres where i am afraid i am running away. My big love, his absence is huge in a town where he used to fill every corner and shadow. 15. Im afraid of missing that void. Im afraid of leaving that void, afraid of leaving that possibility. 16. Im afraid if i dont leave i will never stop considering that as a possibility, afraid i will never shut that door. 17. I want to prove to him that i can leave this place where we were. I have been holding down the fort for five years, waiting, without realizing it, i was waiting at the bus stop. I need to leave that. Leave that responsibility. I think that is much of it. Much of it. Maybe i am running away, maybe i am just letting go. Giving up. Moving on. Letting go of birmingham means letting go of so so much. Everything ive made in the past five years. This is scary, and im looking forward to the time when i can build something and stay with it, but now is not the time. And if i dont leave i will always be here, patching up holes and duct taping leaks and waiting. Im afraid of letting this house fall, afraid if i come back there will be no place to live where i was once happy. But i need a new house, and if i dont leave this place i will never build it. � 
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