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12.26.01 - 2:30 p.m. so...christmas is over. actually, religiously speaking it has just begun, but as far as bing crosby and sugar cookies are concerned, its past. I feel something like relief. Something like how i feel every year after the braves lose in the penant race. Its like, im nervous and antsy for them to win and then they lose and its sad, but mostly im just glad to have it over with. Christmas is just difficult. Especially the older you get. I find that the more people i talk to, the more i realize that christmas isnt just a time of brilliant family togetherness, but that there are old ghosts involved and fears and people doing things they dont necessarily want to do, things they wouldnt do in a normal situation. My grandmother and uncle joe left today and i think they were as glad to leave as we were to see them go. Its not even a dislike...its not like we fight or hold bitter feelings towards each other, but theres a feeling of force involved, i think. I think most people just want to go on living like they are but chrismtas brings up all sorts of irrational fears and intentions. I cant capture it. This pressure. its beyond me � 
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