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12.18.01 - 12:30 am. somtimes friendship is the most complicated thing in the world. it shouldnt be, but sometimes it just is. you wake up everyday and you try to make things work. you wake up in the morning and immediately you think of things that you need to fix. people that you need to talk to, ideas that you need to clarify, a hug that needs to be given, words that need to be spoken so that someone will fall in love with you again, and so that you can have them beside you again. lately my friendships have been a battle of the wits. he who presents the better argument wins and it leaves me feeling breathless and tired...it makes me sigh a lot. and i keep messing up. i just want to forget about everything that is bad and complicated and just start over, but thats impossible... everything that has ever happened is there in one silent moment. In one frustrated glance it spills out and pools around your feet until you turn to go and your footprints leave wet reminders of everything youve ever done wrong, and nobody forgets. And in a sense i know im losing someone. The thread between us is getting thinner and thinner and after the inevitable months without talking it will break and then there will be nothing but a wisp that i wont be able to reattach and i'll braid it in with all the others that i have broken and i'll go on. And its not even all my fault, and its not all hers, it was a decision that i couldnt handle and one that she couldnt apologize for, and its a wall that we cant see through and one that our voices cant carry over. it makes me sad. sad is the wrong word. it empties me out, and the space inside me grows a little more shallow, and i grow a little less soft. And maybe every relationship comes to a point where it can suceed or it can fail; a point where someone gives you a lift and you fall asleep in the backseat and you make it through, or where you cut at each other enough so that you're not tall enough to find your way out. Ive had both and its such a chance. and maybe every person is made like a puzzle piece with a thousand sides and no one person fits all of your sides. There are people that fit your important sides, that are ready to give and spoon into you when you are scared or alone or confused and there are others whose sides happen to be too small or too big at that particular time and leave you bare when you've never needed them more. And there are times when you need your important sides to match and they dont, and sometimes this ends the two of you. Sometimes there is too much pride or too much at stake or not enough trust and you make a sort of decision that things wont ever be the same, and you are still in love with that person but your heart is a little afraid of them and it hides behind your skirts and this happens more often than not...to me at least. I think it happens to a lot of people which is why when you are older you have so few friends...or maybe not And i cant concentrate on it because i cant find my head. The reason why my friends are angry is because i have been self absorbed and insecure. I have said things i didnt mean, i have made promises i couldnt keep. I have forgotten to show up and I have pryed and gambled for things i couldnt find on my own. I dont blame anyone for being angry with me, and i feel the threads that connect me, tugging. Im worried that they will break, but im more worried that i will wake up in the morning and forget who i am. I cant feel myself. My body goes out into the world and accepts information. My friends tell my body things and it tells me but i dont know what to do with it because i dont know where i am. This seems so bizarre and melodramatic, but i dont know how else to describe it. Im so scared. I scared because ive lost myself and im flailing around in the world not knowing what to do. Im responsible for all sorts of things and people but i feel so overwhelmed that i let everything go. Im juggling a few balls but i cant stop long enough to see if they are the right ones, and im dropping one here and there as we speak. I want to ask for patience from everyone but i know i am ignoring peoples important sides and it is truly unforgivable. I know. And this isnt the half of it. I just need time, ok? Just wait for me for awhile.
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