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07.06.11 - 10:52 p.m. Well, I dont know about this whole marriage thing. Where is the elation? Where is the profound sense of love and connection? Where is anything positive that I didn't expect? Everyone told me that things would be exactly the same and that this was a _plus_ that everything stays the same. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me enough. I feel like I don't take up enough of his brain space; less than I want. I feel, at times, an afterthought, a settlement. How do I even try and find words for this? How do I talk about my marriage when it is one month old? What do I know about anything, even at 32 years of age? Why do I feel like shit? And how in the world is this happening? Of course, there is just not even one part of this that I could tell a friend, or my mother. Popular psychology would say to talk to my husband about it, but I have seen too many indie-dramedys to make any kind of move like that. What would I say? "I'm unsatisfied?" "I'm forlorn because I don;t feel as much love with you that I am supposed to?" What in the world would you ever say under a situation like this? And how can I be so ill prepared with my psyche that this is rearing it's head with little notice? Suddenly my life feels 100 times more important than it ever did--even in reality we all realize its 100 times less. I've done the thing that people do but I can't seem to stop sighing. Long sighs that don't feel like enough--I am pretty sure that I even wring my hands, which I've only rarely seen anyone do? Well, there is nothing to say when everyone is around you. Helpless.
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